10 Things to Not Say to Someone With Dementia

Communicating with someone who has dementia can be challenging. It’s important to remember that dementia affects not only memory but emotions, reasoning, and perception. Certain phrases, even when well-meaning, can lead to feelings of frustration, confusion, or sadness for someone with dementia. Here are 10 common phrases to avoid when communicating with someone with dementia:

• “That happened a long time ago.”

• “Remember when…?”

• “I just told you that.”

• “We’ll get dressed, have breakfast, clean up the garden, and then visit your friend this afternoon.”

• “Do you know who I am?”

• “Let me feed you, dear, it’s easier that way.”

• “That’s not right.”

• “Why can’t you just…?”

• “It’s okay, don’t worry about it.”

• “What time did you wake up this morning?”

By replacing these phrases with compassionate alternatives, you can foster better communication, reduce anxiety, and create a sense of understanding and support for your loved one. 

10 Things to Avoid Saying to Someone with Dementia & What to Say Instead

1. “That happened a long time ago.”

People with dementia often struggle with time and may frequently ask about events or loved ones from their past. A statement like “that happened a long time ago” can come across as dismissive or cold, especially if they are trying to connect emotionally or process grief.

Instead, validate their feelings without correcting them. Offer gentle support by saying, “I can see that thinking about your mother is important to you. Can you tell me more about her?” This creates a safe space for them to share memories or feelings without judgment.

2. “Remember when…?”

Trying to jog a person’s memory by asking about past events can unintentionally highlight their memory struggles or make them feel tested. This can lead to frustration or sadness.

Instead, lead with a positive memory statement like, “I remember when we used to visit the beach together. Those were such nice days.” This allows them to join the memory if they feel comfortable without pressure.

3. “I just told you that.”

Repeating questions can be exhausting, but reminding someone that they’re repeating themselves with “I just told you that” can feel dismissive and frustrating, especially when they cannot control this behavior.

Instead, respond calmly and patiently, as if it were the first time. A simple, “That’s okay, let me help you with that” can create reassurance rather than frustration.

4. “We’ll get dressed, have breakfast, clean up the garden, and then visit your friend this afternoon.”

Dementia can make it challenging to follow long, multi-part plans or instructions. Presenting multiple steps at once can overwhelm or confuse someone with dementia.

Instead, break instructions into one step at a time and give them space to process. For example, “Let’s get dressed first. Then we can have breakfast together.” Keep it simple and focused on the immediate next step.

5. “Do you know who I am?”

Asking someone with dementia if they know who you are can lead to feelings of embarrassment or anxiety, especially if they don’t recognize you. This can make them feel pressured or self-conscious.

Instead, greet them warmly and introduce yourself in a gentle, reassuring way each time. For example, “Hi there, it’s so good to see you. I’m Alex, your niece.” This removes pressure while reinforcing connection and familiarity.

6. “Let me feed you, dear, it’s easier that way.”

Using overly familiar or patronizing terms like “dear” and “sweetheart” or taking over tasks unnecessarily can make someone with dementia feel disrespected or like they’re losing independence.

Instead, address them by their name and maintain a respectful, calm tone. For example, “Would you like some help with your meal, [Name]?” This keeps the interaction supportive without being condescending.

7. “That’s not right.”

Correcting someone when they get a fact wrong can lead to feelings of shame or frustration. They are not attempting to deceive—they simply may not recall accurately.

Instead, redirect the conversation gently or share the correct information in a supportive way. For instance, “I think you might be thinking of this, but that’s okay. Let’s focus on [another topic].”

8. “Why can’t you just…?”

This phrase can sound judgmental and imply that they are choosing to struggle, which is never the case with dementia. Such statements can lead to feelings of shame.

Instead, offer gentle assistance instead of judgment. For example, “How can I help you with this?” This shifts the focus to problem-solving without shame.

9. “It’s okay, don’t worry about it.”

While well-intentioned, this can feel dismissive to someone struggling with confusion, fear, or emotions. It doesn’t address the root of their feelings.

Instead, acknowledge their feelings instead of minimizing them. For example, “I can see this is upsetting for you. I’m here to help.”

10. “What time did you wake up this morning?”

Questions about specific times can be confusing for someone with dementia, as their sense of time may be inconsistent or unclear. This can lead to frustration or anxiety if they can’t recall the answer.

Instead, share a simple detail about your morning like, “I had breakfast after I woke up and watched the birds in the yard. It was a nice way to start the day.” 

What Are the 3 Golden Rules of Dementia?

1. Treat the person with respect and dignity.
   People with dementia should be treated as individuals with feelings and needs, just like anyone else.
2. Communicate with empathy and patience.
   Use calming techniques, gentle tones, and avoid judgment or frustration.
3. Focus on the emotional connection, not the cognitive facts.
   Even if memories or facts are confused, emotional connection can provide comfort and stability.

Compassion Makes All the Difference

Dementia can be a confusing, challenging journey for both the person with the condition and their caregivers. The way you speak matters. Small adjustments—like rephrasing a question or offering reassurance—can go a long way in creating connection, reducing anxiety, and offering peace of mind. 

Empathy, patience, and kindness are your best tools. Remember, dementia affects feelings just as much as memories. Your care and understanding can make their world a little brighter.

Mira Vie Senior Living can support a loved one with dementia by providing a compassionate environment where staff are trained to use gentle, empathetic communication techniques. This approach reduces stress, fosters connection, and brings peace of mind, aligning with the principles of treating individuals with respect, communicating with patience, and focusing on emotional connections.

Contact us to learn more about how our memory care communities can support your loved one today.